I’m always hesitant to write a blog post when things aren’t going so well, I wonder why I feel the need to share my disappointments and failures, its not as though I want lots of of poor you comments, that would just make me run for the hills emotionally, part of the process of this blog is opening up and arriving at a place where my writing is real and so the next “book” I write is the one I should be writing.
So here it goes, not sure if I’ve shared what I am currently doing to earn money right now but it’s not anything interesting, and I swear I’d be less shamed if I was about to say well I’m working in porn or for the Republicans, because at least that would entail doing some thing that is interesting, I’m working a dull dull office job, that has very little to do, requires almost no mental ability whatsoever, I have no interest in the product the company sells, and I spend most of my day alone in an office that is not really close enough to anything but a gas station, a smoke shop and the salvation army store. I make less now than I did when I was 23. It’s bleak, its the opposite of what I love to do or even what I like to do, I feel like Bartleby the Scrivener. The man who owns the company is very nice and the guys are fun, and the checks don’t bounce, so it could be worse.
Well the job I had been looking for since before we moved here was finally up for grabs!!!
I pulled what little strings I could find and got fast tracked to an interview, I aced my first interview, I was smart and funny and charming.
Then came my second interview where first they asked why I moved here
Easy answer love it, reminds me of town where I lived when I was young
Tell us about a memorable event you worked on –
I DID NOT tell them about the Elizabeth Glazer Event where I had a conversation with Julianne Moore while standing in a bag of garbage – (me not her), where I chased a chicken through Soho at 5 am and where I confused several bald people with Stanley Tucci- because it sounded name droppish
Instead I mentioned a parade with lots of moving parts and municipal meetings with police, fire dept etc, and when prompted told them about building a float in my apartment for Wing Bowl.
I was asked how I would handle several requests from several people and I said-
Everyone’s opinion has value, and its important to listen and separate what they want from what they need, then do what you can to give them what they need.
Then I was asked questions like; Don’t you think you’ll be bored having worked in New York City and Philadelphia, are you sure you will be ok cleaning the toilet if you have to, where do you see yourself in three years, can you share an office, do you think you can handle not having an IT department to help you if the computer shuts down, will you carry boxes if you need to because there won’t be anyone to help you, since you cook why don’t you want to get a job in a restaurant (asks a person who has never in fact worked in a restaurant).
I said- I have no problem cleaning a bathroom that I use, I have worked for myself so I know to call geek squad or my brother, I’d love to be around people again and I’ve shared offices, I’ve shared desks, I know how to work in a small space, you take your cell phone outside if its an animated call, and you respect when the other person has headphones in and you don’t eat tuna or food with lots of cumin at your desk.
I moved away from New York City and Philadelphia because I wanted to live in a small town and be part of the community there, yes I can carry boxes, and in three years I hope to be living here and be an involved and viable member of the community.
I’d prefer not to work in a restaurant again, thank you very much.
There was one person who asked most of the pointed questions, the ones that suggested that they thought I was going to feel too glamorous to do anything but swan about in the job, I heard that same tone before when I interviewed for my first job here, but they had advertised for a interested foodie with excellent cooking skills and they actually were looking for a dishwasher/janitor so I should have listened to her but this job was different.
It’s very frustrating, I mean yes I did have a few jobs that look like maybe they were glamorous but goddamn life has beaten a hell of a lot of that needless pride out of me and who’s to say you can’t wear perfectly applied red lip stick and struggle to survive at the same time?
We had a cleaning lady when I was younger named Judy , Judy was a woman of reduced circumstances but she still wore her diamond earrings and lipstick to clean houses, and why shouldn’t she.
The interview was on Friday….
On Saturday I was at the soup kitchen breaking down and cooking insane amounts of chicken. After 4 hours I met Xtian at the supermarket, he was in a great mood and I was exhausted and had chicken on my shoes and in my bag I had a boning knife (sheathed) , a pint of hot chicken fat, a piece of blueberry pie in a quart container, a wallet, a makeup bag, a bandana, a scarf and some gloves.
I was in line to check out and Xtian walked away, he hates checkout and walks away without helping, ]its annoying. I was so annoyed and tired that I got a little frantic when I couldn’t find my wallet which is rather sleek and often hard to locate in a big bag and it’s entirely possible that I had left it at home since I had no need of it at soup kitchen.
Well- while I was frantically looking for my wallet while avoiding spilling hot chicken fat all over the place (it was super wrapped but still- my luck). Well I remembered the chicken fat but I forgot about the knife, the knife came out of the knife guard with my fumblings and cut the shit out of my hand, my right hand. I looked like a crazy person, I mean who has a knife in their purse? What kind of lunatic screams on line at the supermarket? Also I was in “Kitchen Clothes” no make up and my hair had been in a bandana for 4 hours, and did I mention I had raw chicken on my shoes???
After I beg a band aid from the pharmacy and get all the stuff in the car and wipe my blood off the shopping cart Xtian tells me he let the bird out of his cage, but everything was fine, the cat got in but the bird was fine. Fine seems relative, I guess by fine he meant not dead.
The bird was NOT dead but he was also not fine, his leg is broken, he’s permanently injured, he’ll live and he’ll adapt but for the next 8 week or so he’ll be pretty uncomfortable, I took him to the vet ($70- which was earmarked for my new glasses).
Our house used to be filled with the sounds of our lovely little bird singing his heart out to classic rock, and now its very quiet because Pudgie doesn’t feel much like singing. And I don’t blame him, and it feels like a large amount of joy has just been sucked out of the air.
Poor thing, its heart breaking and awful and IMSOMADATXTIAN. Pudgie is resilient is getting around his cage and he’s eating and drinking, and we just have to make a few more adjustments to make it more comfortable for him, and maybe he’ll feel good again. I just got him to sing to me again after we moved his cage 2 months ago, and now he’s broken.
Well after that I put away the groceries and went to check my email to find a form email letting me know that it was a tough decision but they chose someone else for the job.
And there went that last shred of joy that was hiding in the corner.
Saturday Night was “I hate Maine, I hate my husband, I hate my life, I hate everything”
So now what?
Sunday was a barely veiled feelings – Sad, bitter, angry, disappointed, even angrier, hopeless…….
The job I was waiting for is no longer an option…what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Any ideas- if you say open a restaurant then I hope you have some idea of how to do that with $45 and if you send me that link about the Inn in Maine Essay contest, can I borrow $125 for the entrance fee?? And the a few more thousand dollars to cover the taxes and the renovations? Its a great idea, but its not as free as it seems.
I need some help, I need a partner or someone to work with if I’m going to have my own business again I can’t do it alone, its too hard.
Sunday actually wasn’t 100% awful because Pudgies not the only resilient one in the house, went on field trip to an Asian market, had a few bloody Mary’s cooked a lot of vaguely Asian food.
Monday was tough, I felt so defeated, I left there on Friday feeling triumphant and a slunk in, it was like having to go back to jail after a furlough. I’m lucky to have a good friend who sensed that and brought me lunch and ate with me in my cage.
Tuesday– whatever St Pats – who cares, well fine here’s my recipe for:
Vanilla Cinnamon Irish Cream
1.5 Cups Irish Whiskey
1 Can sweetened condensed milk ( if you are vegan use cream of coconut)
2 Tablespoons vanilla extract
2 Tablespoons very strong espresso
1 Tablespoon cocoa powder
1 Tablespoon toasted Saigon cinnamon powder
2 Cups vanilla almond milk
Put it all together in a blender and blend on high until fully incorporated
Pour into sterilized bottle
Will keep 2 weeks in fridge
If you want it richer replace almond milk with 1/2 & 1/2 or heavy cream
I think it would be kind of awesome to make it with dulce du leche made from boiling the condensed milk can- it’s different but the same.
Today – I was really hoping I made a mistake and it was actually Thursday but I didn’t, its Wednesday.
On the upside I have my first Maine catering job on April 2nd. Here is the menu
Feta Gourgeres, Olives, Dates
Raw, Roasted & Pickled Beets with Labneh, Candied Pistachios and Mint
Halibut, Warm Olive Oil, Citrus Segments, Isreali Cous-Cous, Asparagus
Meyer Lemon Pavlova with Pistachios
Its a dinner for 8, I have reliable help, it will go well.
Saturday I’ll go to Restaurant supply and buy some stuff I’ll need like plastic containers, parchment and new towels.
Sunday is Maine Maple Sunday so in an attempt to remember why we moved here we’re going to visit a sugar shack, have some ice cream with warm maples syrup, I’m going to make sourdough pancakes with Christine’s starter and that night I’m bringing dinner over to the Tedford, the homeless shelter. I think I’ll make either a baked pasta with meat balls or a BBQ Chicken casserole depending on what’s on sale.
And then I think I’ll make Fried Chicken for dinner and things will find a way of looking up, I hope.
ok well this makes me happy at least …..